Dealing with messy breakup

Posted by Nonie (436 days ago)

I've started dating this guy who just got out of a messy relationship of years. Obviously he hasn't gone over her yet, and still suffering from it. He has openly talked about his past relationships, and he appreciates that I have been a good listener. I don't know him before his break-up, and I couldn't really give him any advice other than trying to cheer him up. He gets depressed at times and I don't know how to handle that.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with this? I really want our relationship to grow. But knowing that his dealing with this break-up is a big hurdle for us, I want to help him getting over his ex, and making him to like me of who I am (not the comfort that I have been giving him).

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by ninalee (436 days ago)

Save yourself the heartache...the guy needs time to heal. If you want to be his saviour that's your choice but it comes at a price. There's no doubt that you really like him. The problem in HK is that there are not many men available so we tend to cling on to what we can get. I have been through a similar relationship and now that I am older and wiser my advice would be to seek a happy life whether single or not. He's not in the right state of mind to even enter a relationship. He really needs time to heal on his own. You can give him a lending ear when necessary but I would not sit around and wait for him nor would I let it consume me. Go out and live life to the fullest and if he does come around one day then great if he dosen't you will have lost nothing. Don't give up on finding someone who can give you 100% from the very start not anything less, you deserve better. There is a saying CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY BEFORE IT CHOOSES YOU.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (435 days ago)

Best make sure to avoid being the rebound relationship...y'know? The spiritual bandaid.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Mudgie (435 days ago)

I have been where you are and with the benefit of hindsight would strongly recommend you not try to rescue him from his pain. Believe me, chances are he will not appreciate it and eventually you'll end up resenting that fact he still isn't over his ex. He's grieving. And however much you care about him or however much he's great, he needs time to grieve alone, as Nina above suggested. By all means be his friend but don't hope or push for a relationship. You could end up being the one hurt down the line.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wakatipuqt (435 days ago)

the guy needs space to deal with it on his own...if he was over it he wouldn't be depressed but overjoyed to have found someone so great as you and looking ahead to the future...not wallowing in the past.

On the positive side, at least he is being honest with you about how he is feeling. I dated a guy once who had his heart broken by his last girlfriend of three years. He said he was over it and (re) bounded happily into a relationship with me but after a few months his unresolved anger started to surface. He hadn't dealt with it fully and so took it out on me. bummer huh? I broke it off with him after a year and a half and he called me later on to say he was getting counselling. I wasn't willing to give the relationship another shot. Sometimes timing is everything. You can't make someones' pain go away. Wait until he is a whole person again so he can meet your needs as well.

don't actually wait but keep that door open to him in the future. Tell him you think he needs space to deal with his loss before you can get involved with him. A rule of thumb, if there can be one to how long it takes the human heart to heal, is at least 1/3 of the time that he dated his ex...dunno bout that one but he definitely needs some grieving time.

don't live in the shadow of an ex...you deserve to bask in the sunshine of a man's love!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nonie (435 days ago)

Thanks gals. Really appreciate the sharing your experiences.I know very well that this is not the situation I should put myself into. I think I feel sorry for him and wanting to make him happy.
Wakatipugt, during the 1.5 years you with that guy, what was it like? Did you feel that the relationship going on the right track?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wakatipuqt (435 days ago)

sure...but you can be on the right track with the wrong person for you...and someone who isn't over their last relationship is always the wrong person. save yourself some heartache and don't think you are the exception to the rule.

say you do build up his self-confidence and boost his ego so he feels hap-hap-happy...then he will find someone who doesn't remind him of the rejected, depressed person he used to be...

people on the rebound have a carousel worth of baggage. we all have baggage. the difference is his baggage hasn't been folded away ready for the next vacation...like neatly packed little louis vuitton baggage. his baggage is pretty much rubbish bags stuffed with soiled underwear. do you really want to sift through his dirty underwear with him? put it all in the wash, bleach it, dry it, iron it, fold it, and pack it? to then see him pick up his baggage and wheel it into the sunset...without you?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nemesis (435 days ago)

Couldn't agree more with the previous poster.
You are not the one who should deal with HIS messy breakup. This guy needs closure and you will never be able to give him that because it is not a thing between you and him. It is something he needs to sort out himself, either with or without his ex-girlfriend.

If you are happy enough with the few crumbs of affection he throws you, then sit back and wait until he is ready for a true relationship with you, if ever.

Just bear in mind that you may miss out on life if you do so ...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by flashback (435 days ago)

... Yes... these bargain-basement men are not worth the effort... Shop on a higher floor.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fruit (423 days ago)

i am completely disoriented from my last relationship . she spoke of the world when we met, all her connections, her goodwill , her contacts , and her brave engagements.

leaving me breathless. and senseless. until we actually decided to move in together. she had engaged herself in lots of rumors, ongoing investments , and senseless spending.

yes.. it was true.. it will never happen again. it turned out she was not real. all she had was an ongoing relationship with her jobs that she can't hang on to. by switching over 12 jobs in 7 mohths. and continue to do so due to her self confidence level and lack of interests.

i am never going to do this again.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Justin Credible (423 days ago)

Sounds more like a drug or alcohol problem than a confidence thing...or a pathalogical liar thingy. Good for you that you are out of that one, fruit! Woah, close call, eh?

(I am based in Unspecified)