The Vanishing

Posted by JCJ (388 days ago)

Just experienced my first vanishing. This guy & I got on fabulously, connection intense, then poof! Emails/calls unreturned. I gather this is quite common. Came across this amusing list which I thought I'd share:

Reasons Why Men Disappear (abridged)

Has become Unabomber and now lives in unwired cabin in Montana

Hit by "the bus"

Lying dead in a ditch somewhere

Has had partial stroke affecting only ability to communicate via phone or email

Witness protection program has given him a new identity and firm instructions not to contact anyone from his "previous life"

Wrongly imprisoned in bizarre beer pong-related incidents in Thailand

Entered monastery in which any contact with evil females is prohibited

Signed nondisclosure agreements with self; if found in violation, will have to sue himself

Went on road trip with buddy a month ago, refused to ask for directions, and the two remain lost somewhere between here and Tijuana

Has been bricked up behind a wall in someone’s basement

Was on Oceanic Flight 815

and, of course:

He's just not that into you

Well, ladies, all I can say is we deserve better than men who don't have the gumption to explain. Good riddance!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by balzac (388 days ago)

So what does one do when it finally sinks in that he's chickened out?

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by fatkid (388 days ago)

2 reasons:

1) if u hv gotten intimate, he prolly thinks he's got what he wanted, so he just walked off.

2) Maybe through your interaction, he found out that u r just not right for him, since you two are not really in a relationship or anything, he couldn't be bothered explaining so just walked off (I did that several times too, during the exploration phases I got turned off and lost my interest). Or could be he found someone else more interesting, or he feels that you two are not progressing as he wanted, but somehow he just lost interest.

Hope this helps.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Markuk (387 days ago)

Not to sound negative...honestly...or to start a gender-based fight of the buns....but I note that the fairer sex are usually unable to counternance even the remotest possibility that said 'disappearance' had something to do with relationship not so 'fabulous' for gentleman....and some degree of disatisfaction somewhere with woman.

Claim that 'this is quite common' absolves blame further.

I would lean towards fatkid's second musing above as the most reasonable explanation.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by cityninja (387 days ago)

as a guy - i've been in a position where i've liked a girl, but due to her actions/games, we've gone through the emailing thing, had a good connection, but because i got sick of waiting around for something i wasn't sure i was gonna get, i moved on, and just let the emails trickle down to a "hey!" every now and then.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cheeky (387 days ago)

so, in essence, you just 'weren't that into her'?

did you actually ask her out?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cityninja (387 days ago)

i was into her, she played around with me (i know she was also into me) - i asked her out but she kept playing games - saying things such as im not right for you and the like.. in the end i thought im putting myself out there, she wants to play these american dating games that you see in sex and the city, and i thought im too old for this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Furrowed Brow (387 days ago)

Well, I can sympathize with JCJ. Yes, its true that its not just men who do this - women disappear too. And not just on the internet or because they have been dumped in a harbor somewhere or what remains of a harbor either!

Yes, we all deserve better people than ones who just disappear without an explanation. It happens though. Its happened to me frequently. And it causes me real anguish.

Cityninja is right - people do play games. But there are also people even on the internet who are in fact, just that - people. And they have perhaps taken an honest approach at trying to meet people only to get badly burned.

Hong Kong is a lonely city sometimes. My sympathies - JCJ. I understand your hurt but I admire your being able to post how you feel with good humor and grace. I shall try and adopt a mode of viewing my own personal disasters as mere comedy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by JCJ (387 days ago)

Hey Furrowed Brow thanks for the support! Yeah, it hurts a bit but am glad it does, coz it confirms I'm human and without hurt there wouldn't be pleasure, right? Besides, gotta be able to laugh at things. Life is too short not to be enjoyed I say.

As to some other comments, I'm not saying that I'm blameless in word or deed. I very well could be. What I am saying is that people, the guy, or gal as the case may be, should have the courtesy not to just leave you dangling there. If you're old enough to date, you should be old enough to say, "hey you know what, it's not working for me". I can respect that. In my book, it's cowardly to just vanish into thin air.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (387 days ago)

Yes its cowardly, but not unheard of. Communication sometimes feels like OJ simpson's glove to the rubber gloved lady killer....

I say you should just be glad to have figured it out sooner than later, eh?

You'll be fine.

Who sang that totally cool tune that was all beachy and...ah, The Streets! Just change the lyrics a bit:

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

*walking away humming plenty more fish in the sea*

Be strong! :o)

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by fatkid (387 days ago)

To be fair, you guys are just chatting on the net, there's no obligation, you might feel the anticipation and connection initially but let's get real - it's not gonna work (at least in his POV) and the fire is out. There's no relationship in the first place, and I think you didn't even go out (on a date), right? So there is really no obligation.

Just imagine if the guy really does say that, in most cases, the girl would just get defensive even if she likes him, and say that she never thought that there were or gonna be anything more than friendship between them, and tell him that he's just thinking too much. Then just think in the guy's shoes, he would be completely burnt, and this is one thing that guys hate - getting embarassed and harming their ego and self esteem. Not many people enjoy leading others on or hurting their feelings, but then in a situation like this when no one is sure if there is mutual attraction or commitment on the other party's part, they will tend to avoid any embarssment and just walk away from the problem.

I think many girls would do the same too to avoid any embarassment if there weren't really anything solid going on, but just in the very early phases of exploring each other mutually.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dave_lister (387 days ago)

Many guys think they are doing the woman a favor by simply vanishing rather than telling them something that will hurt them. Explaining to someone why you don't want to continue a relationship inherently involves telling them something hurtful. You can try things like "we don't have much in common" or " it's me not you" but I never feel like the women believe this - they always seems to think that the breakup is someone a reflection of something inadequate about them or they fall into the "all men are scum" thing. I've been disappeared on too, it did bother me but I'm not sure if I wouldn't have been more upset if the women had been brutally honest.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (387 days ago)

I don't know what the majority of women would prefer, but I can tell you that my friends and I (we had this discussion after the guy i was dating was apparently abducted by aliens) prefer to be told the truth, brutal and honest as it might be, rather than spend weeks wondering what happened, what went wrong, if he suffers from a split personality, if he is married, dead or in jail.
At the end of the day, how bad can the truth be? The truth is what ultimately sets you free.

I'd rather hear from him something like 'I just wanted to get laid, i am not interested in having a relationship with you, and by the way i am already bonking A, B, and C' than wasting my time analyzing every minute of our relationship looking for clues.
I dropped guys i wasn't interested in, no need to be cruel, a very simple 'I had a good time with you, but i am not ready/inclined to get serious/ too involved, i want to spend more time alone/with friends/dating men etc.' doesn't hurt anybody's pride, but at least sends a clear message. Refusing to take calls, changing phone numbers, email addresses is far more complicated and i still don't understand why would anybody go to such a great length to end a relationship.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Electrode (386 days ago)

Dave's almost hit the nail on the head, except that men just don't want the ear-bending that comes with a split, especially with short/casual relationships/dating.

OK, if they're married/engaged/spending every waking minute together, then the woman deserves closure (who coined that term?), but then again...

Imagine this senario:

So you see them everday for a couple of months and build a rapport, all of a sudden, you stop because something new appears that's more in synch with what you want.
Would you really tell your old barrista that you're now frequenting the coffee bar at xxx?

Not the same you say? But it's a relationship nevertheless, just like all the other relationships in our lives.

Face facts, women want closure, men want hassle free lives, both of which are mutually exclusive.

Call us cowards if you like.

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but our ears will never be burnt.

Oh, and selda, it's not great lengths to end a relationship, it's great lengths not to have to go through pointless grief, for what woman will reply "OK thanks for telling me that now you've bedded me/found another/lost interest/too busy/are married, you won't be taking my calls/emails/texts, I really respect you for giving me closure?"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fatkid (386 days ago)

Selda, although the truth is relieving, I believe your way of telling the "truth" is not really a clear and unambiguous way.

"I had a good time with you, but i am not ready/inclined to get serious/ too involved, i want to spend more time alone/with friends/dating men etc."

ok, what u basically said was conveying that "u r not ready", but not "u dun want him" (less the I wanna date other men option). What kind of a "closure" is that, if the guy really likes you, he might just take it that you need more time, or u r playing "hard to get", if the guy walks off coz u said that, it simply means that he lacks the patience and that he is not that into you, not that you made a good "closure".

There is absolutely no way of telling the truth without hurting others, don't fool yourself, and your way of doing it is certainly not "clear". If you have the mercy of hurting him by telling him the truth, then you can relieve him of the pain in the long term.

The idea is really to cut off, but before vanishing into thin air, make it clear that it is not gonna work, like u just don't see the chemistry, u can't see a future, or sth along the line. Don't try the "let's just be friends" sh*t, it just drags on and on, you can't really "be-friend" a person when u got different expectations, and u can't relief him of his suffering, I mean, just try imagining u being a friend of a guy u love yet u r never gonna get him.

Regardless of the gender, I think that's also the respect and courtesy you should give (provided that you actually somewhat dated and had some level of face to face interaction, not just emailing or sth).

I just find it amazing that girls come up with all these schools of different theories yet they never seem to know what is the right thing to do.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (386 days ago)

Women, Men, we all seem to have our school of theories on how best to begin or end a "thang".

Its neither here nor there, really...communication will always be something that is a work in progress.

Agree with you on the "lets be friends" thing though, thats almost as feckless as the "disappearing due to alien abduction" excuse.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by JCJ (386 days ago)

Who knows what makes a relationship work, and what triggers a guy/gal to turn tail. Could be such a myriad of factors.

If either side doesn't want to be in it, however much you wish it were different, you have to just move on. Life.

As for what should be said and done when that moment arrives maybe there should be a universally understood code! Like yellow. The next time you want to break up with someone wear a fluorescent yellow tie/shirt/whatever. If it's electronic, type 'It's yellow'. Message sent & received!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (386 days ago)

Sheesh, that sounds a bit extreme though, doesnt it? What if your favorite color is yellow? You'd have to give it up so as to avoid looking like a buzz-clown?

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by hee larius (385 days ago)

it's simply a case of...veni, vidi, vamoose!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by m_gz (384 days ago)

It is indeed. Great answer hee larius, the best of the thread.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by starry eyed (229 days ago)

Would it still be cowardly if one disappears on someone, who has been insensitive and cruel in the relationship?

(I am based in Singapore)