Western Girl - Chinese Mother in Law

Posted by lillipop79 (360 days ago)

Hi!

I know that this topic has been discussed before and I have often responded to people asking for advice.

I moved to HK a few years ago to be with my husband who I met in the UK. We have been together for many years so it seemed like the right thing to do. We decided (when we moved back here) to live with his mum as she had been on her own for a few years and really we wanted to see how things went.

We all get on very well, we enjoy eating out and we ususally put the wqorld to rights over dinner. Despite this, my husband and I decided that we needed our own space and that we would like to move into two smaller flats. Of course, we accept that his mum should be close by so she doesn't feel pushed away etc. This seemed to be OK.

Over the weekend, we were looking for flats and my mother in law suddenly decided that she doesn't want to live alone.

I felt totally disappointed. My husband is in an impossible situation as although he wants us to have our own space, he doesn't want to upset his mum. He has asked me what I think we should do and I don't know what to say. If I say I want our own place, I feel totally heartless but if I agree to live altogether, I don't think we can be truly happy.

At present we live by MILaw's rules and it feels like it is HER house. We respect her wishes all the time. I can't throw a dinner party/ have friends round because sometimes you just don't want your MILaw listening to those conversations. She has also requested that my friends do not stay over as it is her house.

We felt like us moving to 2 separate places was a great idea- close by yet our own space.

Any advice / comments would be appreciated.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by jwm (360 days ago)

You cannot let her rule your life, it will ruin you marriage and she will not care about that one bit. SO continue the search for the flat and move on with your life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MisterD (360 days ago)

jwm

I don't see anything in the original post to suggest that the mother in law wants doesn't care about ruining their marriage. Seems more like a normal human problem of feeling an obligation to care for an elderly relative and a young couple also wanting their own space.

There's not an easy answer of course. Perhaps you could consider a village house with two floors, then you can be in the same house but have your separate living spaces. Or buy two units in a new development that are separate but next to each other? You don't mention whether you are renting or buying.

At the very least, the fact that the issue has come up and you are looking at other flats should make it easier to 're-negotiate' the terms under which you all live together if you go that route.

It seems that your husband is a good guy and trying to do the right thing by both of you. Perhaps he has to accept that doing the right thing doesn't always mean not upsetting anybody. Maybe looking after his wife will involve upsetting his mother in some ways but as long as the solution is reasonable and ensures that the mother is still cared for by her family then she'll get over it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by jwm (360 days ago)

If the mother is so adament on a married couple living with them and so controlling as to who they can and cannot bring over to the home, I would not say that she is caring... Seems to me Mom is pretty selfish.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by John-GZ (360 days ago)

Lillipop,

Here is an answer that my wife and I came up for a similar situation. You get two flats that are near each other and hire a live in maid to take care of them both.

The maid then lives with the mother so she is not alone and you agree to have dinner with the mother several nights a week.

For us it worked great. The mother has the security of someone with her full time, you have your privacy and your husband gets to keep in close contact with his mum.

It worked beautifully for us.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by car_lover (360 days ago)

I think you shld asked your hubby to talk to his mom, since u guys already compromise by looking for a flat near to your MIL's place and i definitely think that living separately frm your MIL wld be much better before problems arise. Or you cld follow wat John-GZ said if u have the extra cash, get a live-in maid.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Starbucks2 (352 days ago)

Difficult situation.

If you can afford to rent/buy two flats near each other and have a maid to live-in with the mother-in-law then this sounds like the perfect solution and your husband can explain to his mother that you both need your own space as a couple but that she will have some company with the live-in maid and you will both be nearby.

Have you asked your mother-in-law why she now doesn't want to live on her own? If it is security/company then the maid will help.

If the above is not an option then might help to find a new flat for all of you which will then be shared and not be"hers". A neutral new flat could mean that you can set new rules. It is easy for her to tell you when friends can stay etc when you have moved into her home. The village house with two floors also sounds like a good option.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by babel2 (350 days ago)

I was in the same situation. We lived with my Chinese mom-in-law until i had the 2nd baby. She refused to let us go but my husband could see the effect on me and stood up to her.
What we did was to:
1. buy a flat as far away from hers as was practical for my husband's work.
2. get together with her as much as we can and for as long as we could stand each other:)
3. encouraged the kids to call her everyday.

She's not completely happy but she has come to accept the change. I think her refusal to let us go is her obsession with my husband who's the first born son.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by babel2 (350 days ago)

I was in the same situation. We lived with my Chinese mom-in-law until i had the 2nd baby. She refused to let us go but my husband could see the effect on me and stood up to her.
What we did was to:
1. buy a flat as far away from hers as was practical for my husband's work.
2. get together with her as much as we can and for as long as we could stand each other:)
3. encouraged the kids to call her everyday.

She's not completely happy but she has come to accept the change. I think her refusal to let us go is her obsession with my husband who's the first born son.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Butterfly Effect (348 days ago)

Your husband needs to reassure his mother that he will always take care of her in her old age. He needs to impress upon her that he can still do this, and cares about her, even though he does not live in the same house as she does.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sani (346 days ago)

I appreciate that your MIL does not want to be alone in old age but surely she can overcome that by trying to befriend more people and have a full life outside of the little circle she has with her son & you.

Also, the point is she must realise that when her son got married he would want to move out at some point, right??. Just stand your ground and tell your husband to politely inform his mother that you BOTH wish to move out (so it doesn't sound like its just you wanting to leave her behind).
Good luck & I hope it works out the way you want...

(I am based in Hong Kong)