I'm desperate

Posted by rainbow0207 (543 days ago)

My boyfriend and I love each other a lot, but somehow there are always some problems between us, I don't know what it is, I could only give you some examples.
Today we were having some friends coming to visit, my boyfriend was cleaning the house while I was doing some laundary, after cleaning the house he was waiting for me to go out to get some lunch and go to the supermarket. I saw the living room and the kitchen were not clean enough, so I started to clearn again, but he was just standing at the door and said that everything is clean enough let 's go etc, and acted very impatient on his face, so I said that instead of complaining maybe you can give me a hand so we can go sooner, he said that there's nothing need to be done what's wrong with you let's go, so I said I don't want to go with you now, you can go, I have some other things to do, you don't need to wait for me, he said no I want to go with you and I want to go right now. I said stop being an a**hole, then he said only if you stop being a bitch....

Another example is that, tonight we had dinner with those friends, and they were talking about going out to the bar, I told them that I was a little tired and I don't really want to go to the bar right now, but I went to the bar with them anyway just being polite. But when I got to the bar I knew that I made a mistake, I was bored as hell, the table we got was too big and the music was so loud, and I didn't really know these friends very well, I can't start or get into any conversation, I didn't know what to do, after watching people blahblahblah for half an hour, I decided to come back home alone, I can't take it any more. but my boyfriend thought that the music was good, the bar was good...

Are these common between a couple?

We always have these kind of problems but we are trying hard to work things out because we both want a future together, but do you think we don't have enough in common to move on?

(I am based in Guangzhou)

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Posted by naima (543 days ago)

The challenge is on how you make these differences work for you, how it can be an eye-opener and also be a learning experience.

You can also try to compromise...say, we will go out to a bar this evening with your friends but tomorrow you have to come with me in my yoga class.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by voiceofreason (543 days ago)

honestly? brace yourself: you sound like a critical, hard-to-please person, who bickers to the point of name-calling, who can't have fun with a person you say you love.

better break up now and find someone who cleans the house to your satisfaction, whose friends and conversation don't bore you, and who doesn't enjoy bars or loud music.

good luck.

(I am based in Manila)

Posted by Sasquatch (543 days ago)

Wow, are you my wife?

This is why I find myself thinking about leaving her.

Get over it. ITs all you not him.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Aulelei (543 days ago)

Me and bf are like chalk and cheese and we've had many bit*h/a$$hole arguments (and I'm positive im not alone here), and although exasperating to me its our differences that make it so great.

In your case the differences are makin you unhappy, and that maybe you are looking for reasons to break up with him? I think you need to ask yourself if you're happy in your relationship and be honest.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kopfan888 (543 days ago)

theres hardly any relationship without problems, If there were then it would make things so boring. Of course you both need/want to do different things thats only natural but you don't need to do everything together. He likes clubs you don't, Easy solution is don't go to them with him, Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to go.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zelda (543 days ago)

I posted a thread about socializing as a couple a few weeks ago.

Many of thoe who posted seem to face a similar problem. I think the best course of action is no more sacrifices if they make you grumpy and resentful later. If you don't like loud bars, don't go. If he doesn't like classical music at the Cultural centre, don't expect him to join you. Hang out more with your friends, and less with his, if they are not your cup of tea.

As to housework...well, a research found that single women spend much less time cleaning, doing the laundry, cooking etc than those who live with a male partner. On the other hand, single men spend more time on these chores than those who rely on their partner's help.
Yes, our jobs might be just as demanding as our partners', but when we finally go home it's feet up for them, and more work for us.

Single women have time for their friends, evening classes, self-development, beauty/health treatments, sleep, intellectual pursuits, reading, shopping, whatever they like, than those who live with a man.
For men, the time devoted to these pursuits doesn't change after they move in with a woman.

I am divorced, and to be honest i enjoy my life far more now. I am more rested, healthier, and confident. I am in a serious relationship, but the idea of living with him doesn't appeal to me at all.

So, enjoy your partner, and the nice things you do with him, share everything you are comfortable sharing, but don't go out of your way to please him, because you will only feel drained and cranky at the end.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rainbow0207 (542 days ago)

Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate.

we talked about breaking up again last night, we love each other very much, but we just don't get along, it breaks my heart every time I think about it.

Our problems are not so simple, we both have Psychological problems. He has anxiety, restless, worry about everything, and I'm insecure, unconfident, controlling, jealous... I hate myself for being the way I am, I feel that a lot of the time I created those fights and I feel guilty all the time, for him he thinks he was the one who did the wrong thing and feel guilty, he even feel guilty about his existence.

I love him too much and I'm afraid to lose him, he's exactly the kind of guy who would escape if you want to get him.

I did the things I shouldn't be doing to get his attention, for example trying to pick a fight and being picky to him, I think this is why we fight most of the time.

I notice all these problems but I can't controll them, I want to find a way to get along with him and to be happy with him again. I even went to the relationship consultor and psychological doctor this afternoon, but I didn't get much help from them, they only talked to me for half an hour and gave me some pills to take, some anti-depressing pills, they didn't really know my problems...

Sometimes I can't even find a reason to live anymore, I know it's bad and I won't commit suicide or anything, I just can't find a reason to live.

I don't know what to do, love is the only thing could hurt me the worst.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by mpl (part deux) (542 days ago)

Mate it sounds to me in all seriousness like you would benefit from some professional counselling. Your boyfriend could have a cape flapping out his back and a big S on his shirt, but if your issues are as prevalent as you say then it wont make a difference. You cant be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself.

Not having a dig at you here - just believe you might find some relief if you can find a good therapist to help you work out some of your issues.

You dont need a psychiatrist mate - they deal with mental illness. You need to find a decent life coach / therapist who can give you some coping strategies and allow you to understand some of the issues that your facing. I'm sure there are people on here who could recommend a few.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by annebin (542 days ago)

If you're interested, send me a PM, will give you contact details of my (life) coach.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by naima (542 days ago)

I suggest you read Veronica decides to die...its a very good book and its not even thick!

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by marigold (542 days ago)

rainbow,
you need to chill. Your problems are very, very, **very** minor, if that is full extent of your interpersonal issues. Most people would not consider what you listed as examples in your original post as "problems"-- (unless, of course, ALL your conversations are like that and you guys can't agree ANYTHING).

What you described is an everyday occurrence for a lot of people and it wouldn't even register on their radar as any big deal. Chill.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ahacha (541 days ago)

I am with Marigold on this, I keep reading and reading your subject, rainbow0207 and I keep wondering what I'm missing...

Because it all sounds very trivial to me, and certainly not a good reason to consider splitting up (at least, based on what you wrote).

Maybe though, you could improve on your communication with each other as it sounds you may both be a bit quick to snap at each other and use "extreme" language, hereby hurting each other more from that, in my opinion, than from having different views on cleaning or a good evening or whatever it might be.

Nothing wrong in making an effort to be polite and not enjoying it. I bet it happened to all of us. As you grow older and more confident (I guess you're quite young), you know a little better when to do this, or when you need to put yourself first.

I honestly can't see anything major between you two based on what you say. Surely it would be good practice for you to work on the relationship (as I say, the way you speak to each other, and maybe lowering down a little your expectations of each other -you CAN have a same evening and not enjoy it in the same way, you CAN have different standards of cleaning, you just need to accept that and work around it) rather than jump the boat based on such trivial differences.

In order to sustain any relationship in the longer term, you will always need to get a little more flexible and accept to work on it and compromise, so why not starting now? And you don't want someone just like yourself, nor have no conflict whatsoever, not realistic, and not enviable.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Royster Doyster (541 days ago)

Rainbow0207. Fact number one about men: You do not get attention by being critical or making a fuss. He will just see you as someone irritating or, even worse, slightly deranged. This will cause him to flee. Leave the psychological games for your girlfriends.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by soolucky (541 days ago)

Quite importantly, does your bf feel there is something not right about the relationship too? Or is it just you? Compromise is really important but understanding and having the willingness to give at the same time is also very very important.
Pride is the worst thing you can have in a relationship. Does he have problems giving to your emotional needs knowing that you are insecure???
Your insecure, unconfident and jealous can easily be cured.....by actions from your partner.
On the other hand, your bf's anxiety, restless and always worry about everything can not be cured by you but must be cured by professional help.
Think about it and talk to him. Communication is the key to all relationship. But if you have a problem in communicating with him then other issues can not be solved that easily.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ahacha (541 days ago)

Oops, I guess I missed your second post, rainbow, sorry!
I would second mpl's thoughts.
Just to say, there just might be 2 different issues: one with long term difficulties with inappropriate coping mechanisms, low self-esteem/confidence etc... And maybe (but not necessarily) this turned into a proper depressive episode (which also impacts on self-esteem, confidence, anxiety, and so many other things...).

Only your doctor can assess that, with a range of questions. If so, it is not useless to take some antidepressants to get back some energy to look at the rest in the understanding that this wouldn't be in itself neither sufficient nor the answer to everything at all!

You still need to get to the bottom of whatever underlying issues you have. Any psychological help would be a good start. I guess the same applies to your boyfriend, on a personal level too.

Be careful to stay away from inappropriate "coping" mechanisms involving for instance alcohol and illicit substances. They make things much worse in the end and don't resolve anything.

All the best.

(I am based in Hong Kong)