Difficult to put him to sleep at night

Posted by newmom (97 days ago)

My 22 months old son has become very active and very difficult to put him in to sleep at night. He was used to sleep by 9.00pm but now (about one month now) stays until 11.30 -12.00. He takes only one nap from 1.30-3.30pm during the day.
By 8.00pm I put him to the bed and give his milk bottle then read a book or two. Normally he goes to sleep after that but now he starts to jump on the bed and make various sounds and really becomes very active at that time. I tried to put a calm music to make him sleepy but it doesn't work. He doesn't want me to leave the room too. If I leave he starts to cry that makes me very sad.
During day time my son is with the maid as both i and my husband are working ( actually I'm a fultime student) but we come home for lunch that sometimes my son is having his nap. Is this because he wants to spend time with us?.
Any advices how to make him sleepy?

Thanks a lot.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (97 days ago)

probably a little bit due to wanting your attention and the fact that you are not there during the day.

perhaps his nap is too long? or it should be earlier?

i would INSIST that he lie down nicely. or you WILL leave the room. if he refuses, then you LEAVE the room. after 5 minutes go back and tell him to lie down. if he lies down, then you can sit with him. if he starts misbehaving, leave again.

after a while, he'll get the idea.

you CANNOT give into him. YOU are the mother. what you say, goes. he is not in charge and right now, it sounds as if he is.

i think you probably feel guilty for being gone all day, so you give in. am i right?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (97 days ago)

I agree with everything cara said. Be gentle, be kind, be loving, but also be the boss and be firm.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by newmom (96 days ago)

Thanks cara and axptguy38.

Yes, I feel guilty for being out all day and try to spend all the other time with him. Even though I had a awful day I never refuse to feed, play, read stories until he sleeps and truly I feel sad to see his face when something goes bad.

Another thing is I have a horrible feeling that my baby will more attach to the maid if I try act more firm with him so I tried to be very flexible with him. I know this is such an immaturity but I couldn't overcome that fear due to one incident. When he was around 14 months, we all (including my maid) were watching Little murmaid movie and once he got scared to something and ran and cuddled to my maid instead of me or my husband. At that time I felt awful so after that tried to be more gentle, kind..and whatever it is.

I think I should be more firm with him at the bed. I should really do it. Thanks cara and axptguy38. We shouldn't let our emotions exceed us.

Thanks

I think I should be firm to him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (96 days ago)

children need boundaries. the happiest children are the ones that know what is acceptable and what is not. you are NOT loving your child more by not setting boundaries, you love them more by setting them. your child will feel safe and secure with you.

please do not fear that your child will love your helper more. look at it this way instead...your child has THREE people who love him and care for him. every child will KNOW who is the mother and who is the helper. would you be happier if your child cried everytime you went to work? or happier knowing that he is in a safe & loving environment when you are gone?

it is only natural to feel a little envious of the fact that your helper gets to spend more time with your child, i know i feel it. that's one of the reasons i do the job that i do, so i CAN spend more time with my kids, even when i'm working. i know it is not an option for everyone, though.

the best you can do for your child is NOT allow them to grow up a spoiled brat. no one likes those.

good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (96 days ago)

I think you have the right instincts but perhaps are a little fearful of the consequences of being firm. However as cara says children need boundaries or they will grow up to be those annoying brats we've all frowned upon. He will not love you less because you scold him when it is warranted. Children don't hold grudges that way.

Just make sure that you punish (time-out, scolding) immediately. Children that young can't think long term so you have to punish immediately or they will not relate the punishment with the offense.







"Another thing is I have a horrible feeling that my baby will more attach to the maid if I try act more firm with him so I tried to be very flexible with him. I know this is such an immaturity but I couldn't overcome that fear due to one incident. When he was around 14 months, we all (including my maid) were watching Little murmaid movie and once he got scared to something and ran and cuddled to my maid instead of me or my husband. At that time I felt awful so after that tried to be more gentle, kind..and whatever it is."

It is perfectly natural to feel like this. But you should thank your lucky star that your son loves the maid. Children don't ration love so there's nothing to worry about.

However, it is easy for children to take advantage of your insecurity. Be careful.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by newmom (95 days ago)

Thanks again both of you. Yes, I can understand this clearly.

This is what happened yesterday night. Once he started to jump on the bed I asked him to lie down and close his eyes or otherwise mamma will leave. First he didn't care (I realized my fault) then the third time I said firmly and left the room while he was crying loudly. After 3 minutes re entered the room, he was lying down while crying, but as soon as he saw me started to laugh and jump again. Again I did the same and left the room. After 3 minutes re entered, same thing happened. Repeated this 4 times and finally he took it seriously and was lying on the bed and then asked me to sleep too. Then as soon as I lie down beside him, he came on top of me and lie down on my chest holding me tightly. He was lying on me about 1/2 an hour without making any noise and finally slept there. But it was around 10.30pm then. Anyway little earlier than before. Hope this time will reduce gradually.

axptguy38, Yes I understand that we should punish them immediately but I'd like to share this experience with you. About 2 days back he suddenly scratched his daddy's face and daddy gave a small hit to his hand and said 'say sorry to daddy or don't come to daddy again'. Then he started to cry and ran to me. I too insist him to say sorry to daddy but he didn't. He wanted to play with me then, started to tell me different things but I insisted that mamma will not play with him until he say sorry to daddy. Then my boy didn't care both of us and started to play by him self and about after 20 minutes he got up from the place he was playing and went straight to daddy and said sorry daddy.

It seems that he was thinking that matter while he was playing but it took about 20 minutes to settle his mind to say sorry. I'm just worried, has he become very stubborn? He is only 22 months old and can talk only 2 words together but I can see that he understands most of everything we say. His daddy is pretty taugh on him than me but do we really take more actions to disciplene him or is this the common way that 22 months old's act? I really don't want him become a spoiled brat..

Little worried.....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (95 days ago)

20 minutes to say sorry is by no means uncommon. Our #1 (2½ years) can sometimes take several hours + a nap, then go and say sorry to #2 for hitting her. This is after an immediate time-out. My theory is that kid's sense of time is not the same as ours.

It is good that the two of you are consistent so that your son does not play you off one another. It's not good for one to "rescue" a child being punished by the other.

2 year olds (and you are almost there) are pretty much the definition of stubborn and whiny. Be loving but don't give in or it will just get worse. As an example it has taken us about 5 months to get our daughter to stop using the "whiny tense" and we're still not 100% done. Patience patience patience firmness firmness firmness.

The very fact that you are asking these questions is a good thing. And no, your child will not love you less. In fact many tantrum-prone children are simply venting their feelings of insecurity. If you set firm boundaries, they feel more secure and the tantrums, while probably not disappearing completely, will diminish in strength and number.


"This is what happened yesterday night. Once he started to jump on the bed I asked him to lie down and close his eyes or otherwise mamma will leave. First he didn't care (I realized my fault) then the third time I said firmly and left the room while he was crying loudly. After 3 minutes re entered the room, he was lying down while crying, but as soon as he saw me started to laugh and jump again. Again I did the same and left the room. After 3 minutes re entered, same thing happened. Repeated this 4 times and finally he took it seriously and was lying on the bed and then asked me to sleep too."

You are doing great. I would extend the intervals from 3 to 8 minutes. I promise there is no permanent harm done. He will learn but it may take weeks. Don't worry. It will get better even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

Also, no to worry you but this kind of behavior comes back every few months.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (95 days ago)

i would do... 2 minutes... then 4 minutes... then 6 minutes... etc.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by axptguy38 (95 days ago)

Remember to use an actual timepiece. Baby crying tends to distort the space-time continuum. After 30 seconds you'll think 10 minutes have passed.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by newmom (82 days ago)

I have come up with another problem now. I continued the leaving out method for about 1 week now and it worked only few days. He behaved well and gone to sleep for 3-4 days but now situation has turned to something else. He starts to cry, caugh and vomit when I leave the room. This happened 3 days continously now and I feel very bad. My son is a very fussy eater and it takes atleast 1 hour to finish his dinner as well as about 45 mins for his milk. So it is heartbreaking to see him vomitting everything back.

Any advice what I should do now? Pls help

Thanks a lot

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Scot (81 days ago)

Hi newmom

I know exactly what you are going through. My now 21 month old has been doing the cry, caugh, vomit thing since she was 6 months old. We seem to go through phases where she will go to sleep on her own in the crib one week and then a couple of weeks later she starts vomiting again.

I've tried controlled crying and it doesn't work. What I do is to put her down in the crib and sit down on the floor just by her bedroom door so that she can see me. When she falls asleep I can walk away. To begin with it took about 20-30 minutes for her to fall asleep then it gradually reduced over 5 days. At some point try to walk away before she is completely asleep. Sometimes it works and sometimes not.

I know how stressed you are. My daughter has never been a big eater so to see her vomit everything back up is just awful.

If you are really worried about it then speak to the doctor and he might be able to suggest something.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by newmom (81 days ago)

Thanks Scot. I've seen this tehnique in 'super nanny' program too. I have one difficulty to do this as I've already changed his crib to a bed and he doesn't stay on the bed if I sit on the floor.

Yes, I'm really really stressed with this issue.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (81 days ago)

he is vomitting BECAUSE he knows what your reaction will be.

how do you handle it when he vomits?
do you cuddle him? do you stay with him?
or do you change the clothes/bedsheets and leave?

it is heartbreaking, especially if they are bad eaters to start with. BUT it is manipulation that you are facing and nothing more. deal with it the same way that you would any other kind of manipulation.

ps> have you been rewarding good behaviour? when he does it without vomitting did you do something special the next day (of course you tell him WHY you are doing it!) i always give my boy some idea of what is to come..."if you stay in bed for 5 nights, then you can go to ocean park. here is a chart, when you get 5 stars, then we can go!"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by newmom (79 days ago)

Thanks cara.

Yes, you are correct, it is the manipulation I'm facing but dealing with it is not easy, isn't it?
No, I didn't do anything except praise him the next night. I'll try the rewarding system too. May be that will work.

Big help cara...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara (79 days ago)

no, it's very, very difficult.

i've seen it with children that are starting school. it is quite common, so you are not alone.

good luck! my thoughts are with you!

(I am based in Hong Kong)